Kate and I decided to rent Twilight. Keep in mind, neither of us has read any of the books, and we're both fairly intelligent, well-read people. Basically our sole reason for renting it was to tear it a new asshole, which we did so much that we missed a lot of the dialogue (though that's not saying much).
H'okay, so, there's this pretty young woman who, of course, just has to move to some shit town with her emotionally distant father (though this guy's acting was actually just bad). Naturally the reader/audience is given the impression that she's a bit of a social outcast, but somehow a whole clique is magically drawn to her and BOOM you have Instant Friends! Of course, the actress sucks so much that what I presume to her social awkwardness comes out as complete indifference to these people who are so desperate to kiss her ass. Then enters Impossibly Hot Guy. I not ashamed to admit that I thought Robert Pattinson was totally hot until I saw this movie. But seriously? If I saw a guy throw up in his mouth at the mere sight of me I would be turned off so instantly. Is that Pattinson's idea of conveying love at first sight? What, did the director tell him, "Okay, I want you to reimagine the first time you ever fell in love and just mutiply that by like a hundred, got it?" Apparently the idea of such intense love makes Pattinson extremely nauseous. And creepy. He was staring at whatsherface harder than a pedophile at a playground.
The whole movie seemed like a bunch of pieces from better works taped shittily together, with no substance running underneath it. Basically a film montage with especially awful effects. I mean, come on, they glitter like fucking diamonds in the sun? What's the point of that? The only reason in that case that they wouldn't want to go into the sun is so regular humans wouldn't catch on. Imagine Edward Cullen at a rave. He would get so much kandi.
Afterward I read this article that discussed the obvious references in the Twilight books to the author's personal beliefs. It mentioned something about her being Mormon, and not believing in premarital sex, etc. Basically, ultra-conservative. Totally explains why Edward won't bang Bella. Not because he's afraid of losing control and suckin' her blood, but because OH NOES they're only seventeen and totally not married. Of course, being a woman, Bella has to tempt Edward constantly because she is the only one who ignites the fire in his loins. Or whatever. The only heat I could see between them was pure lust. They're horny fucking teenagers; you really think one of them being a vampire would change that? They're certainly not in love. They have absolutely nothing in common and don't have any real conversations; these two can't even give off that "soulmates" vibe you get in other romance movies. They just kinda claw at each other like sex addicts in like one scene. I get the feeling the author herself is pretty sexually frustrated by the limits of her religion/life. I know I was feeling that way watching the heavy heavy lust and complete lack of action. Just DO it already!! At least kiss! What, not even some tongue??
One scene that struck both of us as unintentionally hilarious was when all these dumb kids are at the beach hanging out and one of the less-than-minor male characters starts chasing one of the less-than-minor female characters with one of those gigantic long pieces of kelp and I screamed "SEA PENIS!! LET ME SLITHER THROUGH YOUR KELP BEDS!"
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